Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
A Scene
You're sitting in Starbucks, a deadline keeping your fingers flying on the keyboard. You're sitting across from a man in a white do rag and a kerchief across his face. He's tapping away at a cracked screen iphone with a floral print skin. This is only one part of his nest of wires, wall warts and broken headphones. Another man sits next to you, he's here to trade. The recent arrival sports an american flag bandanna, a denim vest and weapons grade bullshit.
Pleasentries and outright lies exchanged, they begin the haggle dance. Each tries to preach that their 'legally acquired' junk is worth more now than it was brand new. Operating systems get verbal upgrades, features standard six years ago become top of the line, state of the art and on and on. You know all this because of course you've been listening the whole time, buds filling your ears but no music playing.
They try to drag you into the process, try to convince you to validate their exaggerations and stories. You make a show of not hearing, of taking the bits of plastic and circuitry from your ears before you ask them to repeat what they said. You agree to everything, commit to nothing.
The deal that eventually emerges: the iphone in exchange for an ancient laptop, an indeterminately soiled webcam and a dvd of Pirates of the Caribean. Bandanna man leaves, all the while spinning a tail about having to go to his gig hacking for the fed, getting the DA access to his own security videos for the deposition tomorrow. Do rag pulls a slip of cloth over his mouth and spend the next couple of hours contentedly browsing youtube.
You don't show it, but you are smiling the whole time.
Pleasentries and outright lies exchanged, they begin the haggle dance. Each tries to preach that their 'legally acquired' junk is worth more now than it was brand new. Operating systems get verbal upgrades, features standard six years ago become top of the line, state of the art and on and on. You know all this because of course you've been listening the whole time, buds filling your ears but no music playing.
They try to drag you into the process, try to convince you to validate their exaggerations and stories. You make a show of not hearing, of taking the bits of plastic and circuitry from your ears before you ask them to repeat what they said. You agree to everything, commit to nothing.
The deal that eventually emerges: the iphone in exchange for an ancient laptop, an indeterminately soiled webcam and a dvd of Pirates of the Caribean. Bandanna man leaves, all the while spinning a tail about having to go to his gig hacking for the fed, getting the DA access to his own security videos for the deposition tomorrow. Do rag pulls a slip of cloth over his mouth and spend the next couple of hours contentedly browsing youtube.
You don't show it, but you are smiling the whole time.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Idea Dump: Products
1. The gore globe. Like a Snow Globe except showing some gory horror scene and when you upend it little red bits of viscera float in the water/liquid medium.
2. A projector cradle for the kindle that would project the books currently on your ereader against the wall to mimic the social/getting to know you value of a book shelf. Ideally, people could 'touch' the books to see different cover views read synopsis your notes et al. (While I know I will never build such a thing, I'm writing a short story about it.)
3. An anthology of short speculative fiction all featuring ebook readers, published exclusively on ebook readers. (This is another one I actually want to do, so if you have a story idea that involves ebook readers lemme know. If I can get enough people interested, we will figure out revenue sharing.)
Idea Dump: Skits
I warn you, some of these are going to be incredibly dumb skits that not even SNL at its lowest would consider making...
1. Old timey PSA about an STD called 'The Clowns.' Symptoms include: clown shaped boils, honking honk noise during intercourse, slide whistle indicator for arousal, and rainbow afro pube syndrome. If left untreated the clown boils may develop sentience and begin agitating for circus work.
2. Next wave of cocaine parties. Overly wealthy and bored individuals throw kilos of cocaine out plane windows and have to skydive after the powder trails before all the drug dissipates.
3. A parody of SHOTS!, except where lunch ladies are super excited about lunch. LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH EVERYBODY! (That's right, I figure out parodies two years after relevancy.)
4. Animal hoarders: that is to say Animals that are hoarders. 'Chippy the Chipmunk, why do you feel the need to acquire so many nuts?'
5. The De-luminati: not trying to take over the world, just trying to stupefy and annoy with psyops campaigns like Polly Shore movies...
6. A new and much more sophisticated adblock service that blocks all entertainment because of product placement and paid endorsements.
7. A pill to treat new phone-itus for when you are socially paralyzed by the acquisition of a new phone. It makes you hallucinate your new 400 dollar smart phone is a 20 dollar 1995 nokia candy bar.
8. The new nerd subculture to replace steam-punk: punk-punk. Where the participants dress up in science fictional get ups based on the aesthetics and available technology of the stereotypical 80's movie villain type punk.
9. Google Maps/GPS voice navigation of the post apocalyptic future: 'Now entering blood-killer territory, make an immediate U-turn.' 'Ignore the detour sign, it is a trap.' 'The bridge was taken out by giant mutant space dung beetles ahead, rerouting.'
1. Old timey PSA about an STD called 'The Clowns.' Symptoms include: clown shaped boils, honking honk noise during intercourse, slide whistle indicator for arousal, and rainbow afro pube syndrome. If left untreated the clown boils may develop sentience and begin agitating for circus work.
2. Next wave of cocaine parties. Overly wealthy and bored individuals throw kilos of cocaine out plane windows and have to skydive after the powder trails before all the drug dissipates.
3. A parody of SHOTS!, except where lunch ladies are super excited about lunch. LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH LUNCH EVERYBODY! (That's right, I figure out parodies two years after relevancy.)
4. Animal hoarders: that is to say Animals that are hoarders. 'Chippy the Chipmunk, why do you feel the need to acquire so many nuts?'
5. The De-luminati: not trying to take over the world, just trying to stupefy and annoy with psyops campaigns like Polly Shore movies...
6. A new and much more sophisticated adblock service that blocks all entertainment because of product placement and paid endorsements.
7. A pill to treat new phone-itus for when you are socially paralyzed by the acquisition of a new phone. It makes you hallucinate your new 400 dollar smart phone is a 20 dollar 1995 nokia candy bar.
8. The new nerd subculture to replace steam-punk: punk-punk. Where the participants dress up in science fictional get ups based on the aesthetics and available technology of the stereotypical 80's movie villain type punk.
9. Google Maps/GPS voice navigation of the post apocalyptic future: 'Now entering blood-killer territory, make an immediate U-turn.' 'Ignore the detour sign, it is a trap.' 'The bridge was taken out by giant mutant space dung beetles ahead, rerouting.'
Friday, February 18, 2011
RPG/Novel Pitch
I have an idea for an RPG.
The party is comrpised of tropey stock charcters from various movies who are being bounced to a different movie/genre at random. They have the crazy advantages: some are medium aware, cartoon animals have absurdly high hp and get bonuses from quips, creepy devil children have psionic powers, action heroes can't miss with their guns and have great damage resistance/dodge et al. Their goal is to figure out what kind of movie they are currently in (horror, goofy comedy, psychological thriller, erotica, action, western, zombie et al) and successfully play out/subvert its 'story' to escape to the next movie. Eventually they confront the source of all the jumping disturbance... but not before they hack/slash/joke/dance their way through innumerable worlds.
I guess I just want to see Bugs Bunny fighting off 28 days later's infected. Watch Predator era Arnold navigate the social faux pas Pride and Prejudice. Dark Helmet of space balls battling the forces of Sauron at the gate or Mordor. A character from village of the damned having to play matchmaker in a goofy Romantic Comedy.
Sliders meet your favorite characters and movies: the stuff we're already churning out in terabytes of crossover fan-fiction.
The party is comrpised of tropey stock charcters from various movies who are being bounced to a different movie/genre at random. They have the crazy advantages: some are medium aware, cartoon animals have absurdly high hp and get bonuses from quips, creepy devil children have psionic powers, action heroes can't miss with their guns and have great damage resistance/dodge et al. Their goal is to figure out what kind of movie they are currently in (horror, goofy comedy, psychological thriller, erotica, action, western, zombie et al) and successfully play out/subvert its 'story' to escape to the next movie. Eventually they confront the source of all the jumping disturbance... but not before they hack/slash/joke/dance their way through innumerable worlds.
I guess I just want to see Bugs Bunny fighting off 28 days later's infected. Watch Predator era Arnold navigate the social faux pas Pride and Prejudice. Dark Helmet of space balls battling the forces of Sauron at the gate or Mordor. A character from village of the damned having to play matchmaker in a goofy Romantic Comedy.
Sliders meet your favorite characters and movies: the stuff we're already churning out in terabytes of crossover fan-fiction.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A Scene
This is the biggest thrift store you've ever seen. Thrift, not vintage; a difference that goes beyond branding. Rows and rows of castoff ephemera on a converted factory floor. The place still carries the faint scent of when the primary occupation of Americans was making things instead of endlessly recycling our own garbage or managing the flow of hypothetical money or playing at being artists. You like it here because everyone is a character and not the mass produced prefab twenty something following the fashion cues of tweens. These people have scars. These people have calluses. These people have stories. And now they are hunting through pieces of other people's trash to quilt together their own life.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Ultra-Condensed Catcher in the Rye
Yeah, this about sums up Catcher in the Rye for me. Although, I think I read it when I was already too old to get it... If you read it when you're 15/16 you believe it to be a monumental work that blasts away all the other literary pretenders, otherwise you just don't understand the hype.
In any event this greatly amuses me.
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